Less than meets the eye

One of the things my husband and I love to do is to purposely watch bad movies. I'm not talking about blockbusters (that are actually really awful) like Armegeddon. I'm talking about Mockbusters like "Snakes on a Train." No, that wasn't a typo. Snakes on a Train, people. Someone took it upon themselves to make a bad movie out of a movie that everyone knew was a bad movie.

Last weekend, we watched "Transmorphers: Fall of Man." The title reminds you of two things. The obvious one--"Transformers." It's like a phonetic switcheroo. You have to think for a second when you say "Transmorphers." It's a word that doesn't even make sense. There is nothing I know of that "transmorphs." Okay, never mind, Google taught me that a Java geek would know about this. But for the other 99.99999% of us, it makes no sense. Next--"The Fall of Man." Well that implies something else, eh? The "Rise of the Machines" maybe?

The "star" of the movie is "Bruce Boxleitner." I actually knew who this was because my sister and I used to watch The Scarecrow and Mrs. King. The most memorable episode involved a helicopter crash where the tail rotor was clipped and the chopper went this way and that on screen. My sister and I were in hysterics. Whoever made this movie probably remembered it too, because there was a scene where something eerily similar occured.

I realize the people making these movies have to know that they're making a bad movie. They skimp on the acting, the writing, the special effects and the sets. It's barely a step above Sweding. They usually have one or two familiar faces among the cast, to be the "draw." Don't get too attached because the draw pulls you in and generally dies shortly afterwards--I guess this is how they rein in the budget even more. Why pay a C or D lister the big bucks for a full feature when you can get a handful of movie extras for pennies? (I realize I just gave away what happened to old Bruce, but trust me, he wasn't key to the plot.)

Characters of such flicks usually include:
-The young fallen hero trying to redeem himself (may have been booted from the military, divorced, fighting a drug/drinking problem or dealing with general down-on-his-luck-edness)
-The female love interest in skimpy clothing
-The highly capable town sheriff
-The scientist/expert/genius/brainiac who can confirm and explain the madness as it unravels
-Somebody in the military who is responsible for the problem and/or tasked with alerting the president
-The nameless extras with minor roles who exist only to be killed off when the monster/virus/computer/mutant/robot/alien/meteor, comet or asteroid/natural disaster strikes/spreads/attacks/hatches and erupts from one's chest or abdomen/goes rogue/spawns/refuses to open the pod bay doors/destroys the city/poisons the water supply/corrupts every system connected to it.

Google revealed that the "film" I watched was actually a prequel. There is a "Transmorphers" movie that shows what happened after Skynet was activated the machines took over. It was also available on Netflix instant watch, but my husband needed a breather. He just can't take these things in large doses. We still have yet to finish "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" starring that other major acting great, Debbie"Deborah" Gibson.

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