I write like...a gimmick

According to this website I write like:
David Foster Wallace
Margaret Atwood
Stephen King
Kurt Vonnegut

All I did was sample from different entries in this very blog.

(After you receive your results, there's also a little step-right-up sales pitch about how you--yes you--can be published and a hyperlink that says "Learn how to secure a book publishing contract!" That's the way to butter 'em up and sucker 'em in! I also find it especially funny that nary a hack writer is in the rotation of authors us common folk write like. I know, I know, Stephen King isn't exactly a literary great but I still think he's good.)


Opportunity knocks

A few weeks ago, I received this:

We are unique Executive Search firm that was established in 1977 and is owned and operated by Service Academy Graduates. One of our Chemical / Mining clients is looking for a JMO(Junior Military Officer) or former JMO Woman to be their Human Resource Manager in a small Wyoming town (pop. 11,000). No experience is required. They will train. Must be STRONG LEADER with excellent OERs (Officer Evaluation Report, AKA a report card, annual review, and so on). This is a non-union company. Base pay range to $110K.

Our client is phone interviewing candidates next week and we are looking for candidates.

Please feel free to forward this email to anyone you know that may have an interest.

My initial thought was, “Hey, if I were single, I would totally (totes?) consider it.” Could you imagine? $110K in Wyoming? Sweeping plains and big sky (Okay, I know that’s Montana, but close enough). Cowboy boots and a simple life! Mountain views and a farm house planted on acres of land! Pioneer living with modern conveniences! Adventure!

I know, I know, I’m an idiot.

Let’s read that message again, shallll we?

We are unique Executive Search firm that was established in 1977 and is owned and operated by Service Academy Graduates. One of our Chemical / Mining clients is looking for a JMO or former JMO Woman …

(Why a woman? Either a quota is at play or there are issues with female employees? It’s suspect)

…to be their Human Resource Manager in a small Wyoming town (pop. 11,000)

(Yay, no people, but I’m guessing there is probably no Target as well).

No experience is required. They will train.

(Also suspect. They really couldn’t find anyone already trained and qualified in this area? Or is this the field of Dreams, “If you train them, they will come” philosophy?)


Translation: We need someone who gets shit done...

…with excellent OERs.

Translation: ...who won't piss off her superiors while getting that shit done.

This is a non-union company

Translation: Fend for yourselves, bitches. Don’t cry for me Argentina Wyoming when the hours are ridiculous.

Base pay range to $110K

Translation: We will pay you an assload of money because if you haven’t figured it out by now, this job is a giant pain in the ass. CHA-CHING!

Our client is phone interviewing candidates next week and we are looking for candidates.

Translation: We can not fill this job, and believe you me, we’ve been trying.

Please feel free to forward this email to anyone you know that may have an interest.

Translation: Pass this on to any and everyone in your contact list.

Maybe I just need a vacation.

happenings of late

I have been taking the train to work here and there. Most days I am lucky enough to have curbside service, courtesy of my husband, but when he’s off or our hours or locations don’t line up, I take the train.

One week I ventured onto the commuter train service. Unlike metro, there is free parking and you can buy a ticket at a discount for a week, or a month. I tried that for a week. It was comfortable enough. Because the trains come at scheduled times, the riders know each other, and they also know the crews operating the trains. In some ways the experience more genteel than metro and other times you can just say, “People are the same all over.” You get to see a different side of the land when you take a commuter train because it’s not always parallel to the streets. You go through the woods, and through the centers of towns and cities, or you see the back sides of buildings with dumpsters and graffiti. It was a longer commute this way, because not only did I take the commuter train, but I still had to connect to metro to make it all the way to work, and that involved two different lines and a 10 minute walk to the office. And then, at the end of the day, I had to do this in reverse. When I got home, I was exhausted, and by the end of the week I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed.

This week I took metro. The fares have been hiked again, and somehow I still don’t think that will solve the whole money shortage issue. There are still confusing things happening. Once I waited for the long leg of my trip, which I take to the end of the line. You would think at least half of the trains would take the passengers all the way to the end of the line, and out of those, the number of cars would be greatest, to carry the most people the furthest but while I waited, the sign displayed five trains, four of which stopped before the end of the line and two of those had eight cars, the largest number allowed. The one train out of those five scheduled to go all the way to the end of the line, of course that was a six car train. Heeey, are you following this? Come on, it's interesting. Now, then, if a train leaves union station traveling north at 45 miles per hour...
Oh, I kid, I kid.

Yesterday on metro I spotted someone reading a book titled “THONG ON FIRE.” I couldn’t believe my eyes, so of course I looked it up, and Amazon doesn’t lie. There really is a book out there titled “THONG ON FIRE,” categorized as “urban erotica.” If there is a less subtle book title out there, I have not found it. It sounds like it involves STDs. I guess you could read this while listening to “Ghetto soul.” Yes, this is another genre I didn’t know existed until very recently.

Back at work, I discovered “they” installed green toilet flush handles. Flush up for “liquid” waste, flush down for “solid.” Did these get installed so people can feel better about themselves? I won’t go into detail (yes, I realize the Blog title involves the word "poop," however it's a poop of a different kind) but it appears that both the “up” flush and “down” flush use the same pressure and amount of water. It would seem easier to install flush instruction signs and green handles (yes, they’re actually green in color and from the label, apparently made of “germ resistant material” to discourage foot flushing) than it is to install something that does what it claims.

I received my first full paycheck last week. My “desired” start date was mid June, but at the same time, I would have been breaking my daughter’s piggy bank by then. I also wanted time off to think, but when I was home, I felt awful. I wasn’t doing all of the projects I had planned to accomplish and I was staying inside and wallowing. I lament that I don’t have enough time, but when I did have time, I didn’t do very much (maybe I lamented that I didn’t have money?)

The new job is okay. The people are nice and my boss has told me that she’s going easy on me until I feel comfortable with what I’m doing. It’s a change from other jobs and I appreciate that. I also went to meet up with my old boss (after a mandatory class that I took four years ago, the first time I worked here. The class was taught by what looked like a Britney Spears knock off in low rise jeans—hello, 2004 called). We sat and talked for an hour. He left our old company not long after I checked out last fall. He was the buffer between his team members and our boss and after awhile he checked out and the whole thing fell apart. I don’t begrudge anyone (much) for how it happened. I made some friends and we got to do some fun things at work. I have stayed in touch with a few people and from what I’ve heard it sounds like what’s left of the whole operation isn’t much anyway.

I watched “The Invention of Lying” (finally). I love Ricky Gervaise and this was because I loved his character in “The Office.” I wanted to see this movie and for a number of reasons it took forever to finally arrive through Netflix. When we finally sat down to watch it—in the description of my best friend: Disappointion. I think it had a good premise but after awhile it got tedious. It was funny at times but it also didn’t quite work.

Today I received an email telling me that Wal Mart is actively recruiting women to be store managers and I could reply with my resume if I was interested. No, really:

Walmart is looking to recruit, hire and retain women veterans for retail management positions. This partnership embodies the commitment of Walmart to support women veterans, their families and military spouses. It also highlights our vision to create successful workplaces for women, families and employers and Walmart as an employer of choice for women and veterans.
Walmart invites you to apply for these select positions (see attachments) with Walmart or to share this invitation with an interested colleague. This hiring initiative targets women veterans who possess leadership skills and qualities that would make them excellent candidates for senior retail management. Prior retail experience is not required. We are looking to identify 15-20 candidates to interview for these select positions.

Welcome to Wal Mart, eh? I guess they never read my blog.