In the past two weeks, I've received a windfall. Some would be skeptical of gaining so much through strangers via email, but I believe it's the universe's way of making things right. Thank you, universe.
Below are some of my responses to my random benefactors.
Dear Mr. Zunga,
Why wouldn’t your mail meet my personal ethics? According to you, this transaction is totally free of risk and troubles as the fund is legitimate and does not originate from drug, money laundry, terrorism or any other illegal act. You’re absolutely right, it’s perfectly legal to give me 35% of the Eighteen Million, Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars that belonged to the guy who died along with his wife and only daughter in the Alaska Airlines Flight 261 plane crash on January 31st 2000. That happened over 8 years ago and the money’s just sitting there, and we both know things aren’t getting any cheaper! You said it yourself, “Nobody’s coming for it” so we might as well split it. Besides, the late Mr. Morris Thompson an American and great industrialist and a resident of Alaska would want us to have it.
Yours also, Faithfully—
Dear Mr. Williams,
I am so sorry to hear that your father, a very wealthy Gold/Diamond dealer in Freetown, the economic capital of Sierra Leone, was poisoned to death by his close business associates. I am also terribly sorry that your mother died when you were 15 years old.
I am honored that you followed your father’s dying words and chose me to be the honest foreigner from the country of your choice to assist you in keeping his fortune of Twenty Six MILLION DOLLARS in safe hands. It’s too bad your uncle wants to kill you because of that certificate of deposits. It’s inconceivable that he’s not content with already having secured your father’s property.
It really was “Devine Mercy” that kept you from eating that delicious poisoned rice meal. I’ll bet you weren’t hungry anymore after you dumped it in the trash and later found those two dead rats soon afterwards. People around you are pretty big on that poisoning thing. Maybe you should invest in a professional food tester.
Anyway, I will gladly:
1. stand as your late father's foreign partner since you late father deposited it to be clem by his foreign partner and no name was mentioned,
2. help you come over to your country to further your education.
Come on over--you picked a great country—they don’t call it the land of opportunity for nothing.
Dear Mrs Rita Charles from Scotland:
Sorry to hear that you are a deaf and suffering from a long time cancer of the breast which also affected your brain. I’m so glad to hear that your husband and you are “true Christians” but awfully sorry to hear that he quite unfortunately died in a fatal motor accident.
Maybe you should go against the courageous advising of your doctors and use your faith to help you believe that you will live beyond the next two months, even though “the cancer stage has reached a critical stage.” I realize you have lost your ability to talk, but since you have a laptop in a hospital where you have been undergoing treatment, you’re not completely cut off--I mean, you wrote to me, right?
If it is truly your wish for me, good humanitarian, to also use your inherited $31.5million dollars to fund churches, orphanages and widows around, then who am I to deny your wish? I fully understand that this was a very hard decision, and I know you had to take a bold step towards this issue. I certainly will help you see your last wishes come true.
Dear Mrs. Alexis Henziluo:
Thank you for your message titled: “CONGRATULTIONS - BEIJING OLYMPIC NOTIFICATION”, however I don’t remember entering my email address into the the NLF ONLINE International Lottery BEIJING WORLD CYBER OLYMPICS GAMES 2008 Lottery programs. Are you sure your computer ballot system that drew from 20,000 companies and 30,000,000 individuals e-mail addresses from all over the world as part your automobile business and telecommunication promotion programmed in hong kong and china is legal?
If it is, I will gladly take a lump sum pay out of USD$ 500,000.00 (Five hundred thousand United States Dollars) from a total sum of USD $2,500,000.00 shared amongst the first 5 lucky winners entered in their 1st category, BEIJING WORLD CYBER OLYMPICS GAMES 2008 FORTUNE LOTTO DRAW.
Dear Brian Smith:
I am delighted to learn that I am one of the THREE LUCKY
WINNERS whose e-mail address won the sum payout of £500,000
pounds.(Five Hundred Thousand Pounds Sterlings Only) in the DELL
ELECTRONICS SEASONAL AWARD 2008.
I can’t believe my luck; especially since I was chosen through a
computer ballot system drawn from over 30,000 company and 50,000,000
individual email addresses and names from all over the world. I also can’t believe I’ve won when I’ve never purchased anything from Dell in my entire life or that an American company would give out prize money in pounds.
Dear Mr Walter
You’re right; your message did come to me as a surprise. I will most certainly offer my assistance transferring the sum of ($39.5)million to from the African Development Bank, Ouagadougou Burkina faso to my account within 10 or 14 banking days. I understand that this money belonged to your deceased customer late Mr.George Small who died along with his supposed next of kin in an air crash since 31st October 1999. I guess there are a lot of rich people dying with all of their closest relatives in plane crashes these days.
Consider this my urgent response.
Dear Mrs Elizabeth Johnson
Your letter did come to me as a surprise, and between all of the prize winning and the requests for help with transferring percentages of large inheritances to my bank account, let me tell you--I’ve been getting a lot of surprises these days. Even so, I can’t believe you, Mrs Elizabeth Johnson, from Liberia Monrovia 48years old and residing in Nigeria with your only son Prince Johnson Jr., contacted little ol’ me for help.
So you want to use the fund $ 7.5m (Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand USD) that your late husband who was until his death the former Army Chief during the regime of Charles Taylor deposited in the Security/finance house to move out of Nigeria to my country for investment? I realize you cry for Help, but I’m sorry, but I’ve already taken someone else up on a similar offer. Good luck and in the future be more careful who you share your personal information with; there are people running scams out there!