7.16.2010

I write like...a gimmick


According to this website I write like:
David Foster Wallace
Margaret Atwood
Stephen King
Kurt Vonnegut

All I did was sample from different entries in this very blog.
Inconceivable!

(After you receive your results, there's also a little step-right-up sales pitch about how you--yes you--can be published and a hyperlink that says "Learn how to secure a book publishing contract!" That's the way to butter 'em up and sucker 'em in! I also find it especially funny that nary a hack writer is in the rotation of authors us common folk write like. I know, I know, Stephen King isn't exactly a literary great but I still think he's good.)

7.07.2010

Opportunity knocks

















A few weeks ago, I received this:

We are unique Executive Search firm that was established in 1977 and is owned and operated by Service Academy Graduates. One of our Chemical / Mining clients is looking for a JMO(Junior Military Officer) or former JMO Woman to be their Human Resource Manager in a small Wyoming town (pop. 11,000). No experience is required. They will train. Must be STRONG LEADER with excellent OERs (Officer Evaluation Report, AKA a report card, annual review, and so on). This is a non-union company. Base pay range to $110K.

Our client is phone interviewing candidates next week and we are looking for candidates.

Please feel free to forward this email to anyone you know that may have an interest.


My initial thought was, “Hey, if I were single, I would totally (totes?) consider it.” Could you imagine? $110K in Wyoming? Sweeping plains and big sky (Okay, I know that’s Montana, but close enough). Cowboy boots and a simple life! Mountain views and a farm house planted on acres of land! Pioneer living with modern conveniences! Adventure!

I know, I know, I’m an idiot.

Let’s read that message again, shallll we?

We are unique Executive Search firm that was established in 1977 and is owned and operated by Service Academy Graduates. One of our Chemical / Mining clients is looking for a JMO or former JMO Woman …

(Why a woman? Either a quota is at play or there are issues with female employees? It’s suspect)

…to be their Human Resource Manager in a small Wyoming town (pop. 11,000)

(Yay, no people, but I’m guessing there is probably no Target as well).

No experience is required. They will train.

(Also suspect. They really couldn’t find anyone already trained and qualified in this area? Or is this the field of Dreams, “If you train them, they will come” philosophy?)

Must be STRONG LEADER …

Translation: We need someone who gets shit done...

…with excellent OERs.

Translation: ...who won't piss off her superiors while getting that shit done.

This is a non-union company

Translation: Fend for yourselves, bitches. Don’t cry for me Argentina Wyoming when the hours are ridiculous.

Base pay range to $110K

Translation: We will pay you an assload of money because if you haven’t figured it out by now, this job is a giant pain in the ass. CHA-CHING!

Our client is phone interviewing candidates next week and we are looking for candidates.

Translation: We can not fill this job, and believe you me, we’ve been trying.

Please feel free to forward this email to anyone you know that may have an interest.

Translation: Pass this on to any and everyone in your contact list.

Maybe I just need a vacation.

happenings of late



I have been taking the train to work here and there. Most days I am lucky enough to have curbside service, courtesy of my husband, but when he’s off or our hours or locations don’t line up, I take the train.

One week I ventured onto the commuter train service. Unlike metro, there is free parking and you can buy a ticket at a discount for a week, or a month. I tried that for a week. It was comfortable enough. Because the trains come at scheduled times, the riders know each other, and they also know the crews operating the trains. In some ways the experience more genteel than metro and other times you can just say, “People are the same all over.” You get to see a different side of the land when you take a commuter train because it’s not always parallel to the streets. You go through the woods, and through the centers of towns and cities, or you see the back sides of buildings with dumpsters and graffiti. It was a longer commute this way, because not only did I take the commuter train, but I still had to connect to metro to make it all the way to work, and that involved two different lines and a 10 minute walk to the office. And then, at the end of the day, I had to do this in reverse. When I got home, I was exhausted, and by the end of the week I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed.

This week I took metro. The fares have been hiked again, and somehow I still don’t think that will solve the whole money shortage issue. There are still confusing things happening. Once I waited for the long leg of my trip, which I take to the end of the line. You would think at least half of the trains would take the passengers all the way to the end of the line, and out of those, the number of cars would be greatest, to carry the most people the furthest but while I waited, the sign displayed five trains, four of which stopped before the end of the line and two of those had eight cars, the largest number allowed. The one train out of those five scheduled to go all the way to the end of the line, of course that was a six car train. Heeey, are you following this? Come on, it's interesting. Now, then, if a train leaves union station traveling north at 45 miles per hour...
Oh, I kid, I kid.

Yesterday on metro I spotted someone reading a book titled “THONG ON FIRE.” I couldn’t believe my eyes, so of course I looked it up, and Amazon doesn’t lie. There really is a book out there titled “THONG ON FIRE,” categorized as “urban erotica.” If there is a less subtle book title out there, I have not found it. It sounds like it involves STDs. I guess you could read this while listening to “Ghetto soul.” Yes, this is another genre I didn’t know existed until very recently.

Back at work, I discovered “they” installed green toilet flush handles. Flush up for “liquid” waste, flush down for “solid.” Did these get installed so people can feel better about themselves? I won’t go into detail (yes, I realize the Blog title involves the word "poop," however it's a poop of a different kind) but it appears that both the “up” flush and “down” flush use the same pressure and amount of water. It would seem easier to install flush instruction signs and green handles (yes, they’re actually green in color and from the label, apparently made of “germ resistant material” to discourage foot flushing) than it is to install something that does what it claims.

I received my first full paycheck last week. My “desired” start date was mid June, but at the same time, I would have been breaking my daughter’s piggy bank by then. I also wanted time off to think, but when I was home, I felt awful. I wasn’t doing all of the projects I had planned to accomplish and I was staying inside and wallowing. I lament that I don’t have enough time, but when I did have time, I didn’t do very much (maybe I lamented that I didn’t have money?)

The new job is okay. The people are nice and my boss has told me that she’s going easy on me until I feel comfortable with what I’m doing. It’s a change from other jobs and I appreciate that. I also went to meet up with my old boss (after a mandatory class that I took four years ago, the first time I worked here. The class was taught by what looked like a Britney Spears knock off in low rise jeans—hello, 2004 called). We sat and talked for an hour. He left our old company not long after I checked out last fall. He was the buffer between his team members and our boss and after awhile he checked out and the whole thing fell apart. I don’t begrudge anyone (much) for how it happened. I made some friends and we got to do some fun things at work. I have stayed in touch with a few people and from what I’ve heard it sounds like what’s left of the whole operation isn’t much anyway.

I watched “The Invention of Lying” (finally). I love Ricky Gervaise and this was because I loved his character in “The Office.” I wanted to see this movie and for a number of reasons it took forever to finally arrive through Netflix. When we finally sat down to watch it—in the description of my best friend: Disappointion. I think it had a good premise but after awhile it got tedious. It was funny at times but it also didn’t quite work.

Today I received an email telling me that Wal Mart is actively recruiting women to be store managers and I could reply with my resume if I was interested. No, really:

Walmart is looking to recruit, hire and retain women veterans for retail management positions. This partnership embodies the commitment of Walmart to support women veterans, their families and military spouses. It also highlights our vision to create successful workplaces for women, families and employers and Walmart as an employer of choice for women and veterans.
Walmart invites you to apply for these select positions (see attachments) with Walmart or to share this invitation with an interested colleague. This hiring initiative targets women veterans who possess leadership skills and qualities that would make them excellent candidates for senior retail management. Prior retail experience is not required. We are looking to identify 15-20 candidates to interview for these select positions.

Welcome to Wal Mart, eh? I guess they never read my blog.

6.15.2010

Yeah, no



I know there have been a bunch of complaints regarding Facebook and its security issues. People are complaining that nothing is private and the Facebook is invasive. It's sort of obvious that it is, though isn't it? They are running a business. You can advertise better to your clientele if you raid their personal info a bit and customize the ads. I'm sorry I wasn't savvy or quick enough to come up with such a scam business.

I'm not ready to break up with it yet, but I've removed a lot of stuff that I like or am a fan of because it just felt like too much information for not much pay off. People that know me personally will probably know what I like.

The latest thing I've seen is "People who like ___ usually like ____." This is another version of "everybody's doing it" style of peer pressure. It used to be (product) and "4 friends like this," but I guess that wasn't an effective enough hook. If you were just friends on Facebook only with those people, then why would you be inclined to like what they like?
Let me illustrate my point:


This here suggestion was made on my page (I guess I got lazy and didn't "un" like Target). Fine. I *like* (insert thumbs up icon here) Target. But I am not a fan of Wal Mart, and I will not click the suggestive thumbs up icon to appease them. I will also say that most people that I know who like Target are quick to follow up and add that they HATE Wal Mart. I live across the street from a Big Box shopping mecca. Yeah, I know, nice view, but jeez has this catered to my lazy side. If I need something, I just cross the street, and la-ti-da. The down side is that Target is right there, just across the street, taunting me on pay day. Come onnnn, G, ya know you need some new flip flops! Come on over, we're having a sale on raspberry lemonade this week. Hey, don't you need something new for your work wardrobe? I got what you need, baby! The house is as close to Wal Mart as it is to Target. Guess when I step into Wal Mart? When a) Target is closed, b) Target is closed not open yet or c) Target does not have what I'm looking for and I'm desperate.

6.05.2010

Life is too short for bad books

The last post probably made little sense, since I didn't include the link to the literary "agent"'s website to further illustrate my points. I appreciate when people do things and think they're trying to help. The friend has followed up with my husband to see if I called the guy. How do you say "Look, I don't feel comfortable with some proud (and I have a feeling it's to the point of being obnoxious about it) confederate representing me." Or, "I don't feel comfortable with a person who lists multiple advanced degrees with vague proof of said degrees turning around and not using spell check or knowing that "pundent" is not a word." "I don't feel comfortable working with someone who has photos of sushi on his home page?" (okay, that one's a stretch) The alternative is saying nothing, but there is this need for me to share how incredulous I am that someone pushed this guy as a serious agent. It just blows me away. I want to say "This is a joke, right? You didn't really mean this guy, did you? This guy? No, no, really?" (in my best Simon Cowell voice) "You caaaan't be serious."

So I'm petty but I had to share the link. I am the type of person who has to verify with the world that she is not the one on crazy pills.

I know the ills of the publishing industry. I understand why people self-publish. I don't like that anyone and everyone can pass something off as literature (or claim to be literary agents) when there is no filtering process involved. If it looks like a book and feels like a book, and you can find it on Amazon, that's good enough. The problem is that I'm not trying to publish a "good enough" book.

5.31.2010

It's never that easy

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I am working on a book. I feel like every other person is doing the same thing or they feel they have at least one good story waiting to be told, so I am not too vocal about it.

After years and years, I'm almost done. My husband has been gently shoving me towards the next move: finding an agent. This is the tricky part. Find someone who thinks your story is as good as you say it is. Find someone willing to slog through the pre-edited mess and see the potential, but in order to find that person, you have to advertise what you're selling with a teaser--a query letter. This will inevitably bring countless rejections, and I will inevitably have to tell myself exactly what I've been saying to myself throughout my job search: It only takes one. Then those interested will request a manuscript and those who like that enough to peddle it to the publishers will do the hustling on my behalf. This doesn't faze some people, but for some reason I find it very daunting.

In the back of my mind I hear that what I have isn't good, people won't pay to read it, the voices of the characters are totally off. I know I need to ignore that and press on. I've read so many so-called best selling books that aren't all that great, but they had a great marketing machine, and somehow people were convinced that these stories were better than they actually were. While I still want to write a good book, I know that I need effective marketing.

My husband talked to a friend who is also working on a book. A few years ago I connected with another writer who was writing a story on West Point. He emailed a bunch of graduates to get them to read what he already had and make corrections. I'm not lying when I tell you that it stunk. It was awful, and yet I admired the guy for trying and for believing that he had something worth publishing. I helped him with many things so I figured when he got somewhere, he would put in a good word for me. He claimed to know an author and then as soon as I asked for the guy's contact information, I got the back pedal. "Oh no, you don't want to talk to that guy." I wrote a scathing email message in response and promptly added him to my block list.

The most recent offer to connect was through a friend of my husband's, who apparently has his own book in the works. "He's going to send his agent's contact info," my husband said, which elicited a shrug from me. My instincts told me something was off.

Today I received a link to the agent's website. In my mind, I was thinking "Oh, it's probably some hack." I was hoping something would prove me wrong, but no, I was right, it really was some hack. In addition to being a veteran, the guy has a string of advanced degrees listed after his name, which might as well have been red flags. In addition to that, he's got information about himself, probably in an effort to seem "real, but when you write:
Remember - I don't take life too seriously, soooo don't expect this over-educated academic pundent to continously prove his literary skills, because I've been there and done that and I just won't anymore.

I mean is it considered arrogant to write "pundit" instead of that non-existent word listed? I'm also going to admit that the confederate pride and the wearing of a cap with a confederate flag on it didn't win points. I get it. Some people are proud of that, but is your professional website really the appropriate venue to show your rebel pride? If I wasn't turned off before (I was), this was the thing to push me over.

So this just confirms that I probably need to take the hard road, hustle and hope that someone out there believes what I have is good enough to sell.

5.26.2010

And then--

After you find the song, you OD on listening to it.