Brown-eyed blues

It’s a known fact that we celebrate blue eyes. It makes sense. 10,000 years ago blue eyed people didn’t even exist. Because most people on this planet have brown eyes not many people are awed by them.

I read a book by a black author with a myriad of blue-eyed characters. You got to hear about steel blue eyes, royal blue eyes, navy blue eyes and so on. I am guess she had a high ratio of blue eyes because she didn’t have them and it came through in blue eye worship. Who wants to hear about root beer eyes, or chocolate eyes, or what have you? It's just not literary.

There is one song that isn’t about blue eyes. And it’s (wait for it) Brown Eyed Girl. Thanks, Van Morrison, for writing a song for the rest of us! Finally some love for the brown eyed peeps. So imagine how I felt when, my freshman year, my roommate co-opted that song and changed the words to (wait for it) “Blue eyed girl.”

Um, what now? Are you kidding me with this?

I know, I know. Lighten up. It’s not a big deal. Just words, right? But right then I wished I had said something along the lines of “No, you do not. No you don’t take a song that applies to me and change it to suit you when there are countless other songs out there that probably celebrate you more than they do me. I said no. Damn it.”

But did I say anything? Noooo. Maybe it was better to keep the peace (AKA: “the wimp’s defense”) but years later I am still kicking myself for not saying something.

Petty? Why yes, yes I am.

Disclaimer ahead: I’m not againt blue eyed people. My best friend has blue eyes!*

*so does my cat, my brother-in-law, and um...I know lots of blue eyed people, okay?

Truth is dumber than Onion

I love The Onion. Sometimes I run across articles that look like they belong in the Onion, but they're real. Sometimes it's the onion free truth that makes you cry.

This black-and-white handout photo provided by the General Accountability Office (GAO) shows a product billed as an air room cleaner that was actually a space heater with a feather duster and fly strips attached. Fifteen phony products, including the air cleaner, won a label from the government certifying them as energy efficient in a test of the federal 'Energy Star' program. Investigators concluded the program is 'vulnerable to fraud and abuse.'

And in local news...

They shot Jesus!

Unsolved Mysteries

Something has been on my mind for a couple of weeks now. It’s nothing of extreme importance, just an enigma that has been interrupting my thoughts during the slower moments of the day. What I'm wonder is this:

Just what in the hell is going on with Jermaine Jackson’s hair?

You know, Jermaine, possibly the second most famous male sibling of Michael, who put himself back into the spotlight. Every time he was in front of the cameras, instead of listening to what he had to say, I squinted at the screen, attempting to figure out what part of his hair was real (if any) and what was going on with the rest of it.

I have a few theories:

Shoe polish—this made for a great option for dyeing Barbie’s hair, it might work on real people too.

Latex paint: If you tape off your borders, it could work

Tattoo: Expensive and painful, but this saves hours of time getting ready in the mornings. People do this for eyebrows and permanent eyeliner so why not hair? Is Sy Sperling is purposely keeping this hair loss solution from us so he can stay in business?

Joe Gigolo wig: This seems to be feasible, though I imagine a head could get hot under that thing.



And what about the top—is it real hair? A toupee? A lid from a jar of Jif, painted black?

I am going to confess here: Dynamite was the second album I bought with my hard earned allowance (After Cyndi Lauper’s “She’s So Unusual.”) I wasn’t a Madonna or Michael fan so I blatantly went for the alternative options. Now, looking at that album cover, it’s clear that Jermaine wasn’t so much an alternative as he was a knock off, shamelessly copping his brother’s style. So maybe the hair thing is an extension of that, the way we wondered about Michael’s face, we wonder about Jermaine’s hair.

Or not.

A Brief History of City Destroying Monsters

Before Cloverfield and after Godzilla there was...

...Sisqo.