Candies of a Lesser God

Do you remember coming home from a night of trick or treating with a bag loaded with candy? What was the first thing you did? Right—dump it onto the floor for a quick inventory.

The first things to get weeded out were the apples and pennies. After that, you could get down to business. For me, the ranking order went something like this:

Top Tier candies: m&m’s, Blow Pops, Twix, Milky Way, Three Musketeers, Jolly Ranchers, Mounds, Nestle Crunch, Nestle Alpine White, Hershey Milk Chocolate, Skittles, Butterfinger, Lifesavers

Middle Tier:
Tootsie Pops, Candy Corn, Snickers, Almond Joy, Peanut m&m’s, Smarties, Now and Later, Milk Duds, Whoppers, Candy Corn, Nerds, Dots, Jujubes, Starburst Fruit Chews, Mr. Goodbar

Lower Tier: Dum-Dum lollipops, wax lips, Sunmaid Raisins, Baby Ruth, Bit O' Honey, Sugar Daddies, Chocolate coins, those strawberry hard candies with the gooey insides and Bazooka Joe bubble gum

Utter Crap (the dregs of the Sugar-Based Universe): Good & Plenty.

Did you catch that last one? Good & Plenty. Remember those? Does anyone actually eat and enjoy them? As an adult I never intentionally buy or consume Good & Plenty. I don’t even like black licorice (go ahead and call me a racist, I don’t care) and Good & Plenty is based on black licorice and covered in a shiny white or pink sugar coating. If you separated the colors and carried these around in sandwich baggies, they would kind of look like illegal substances. Who designs a candy in the shape of a drug capsule?

This year I got great gifts from my husband. He is generous and usually does well when choosing gifts but he needs some help in the candy department. In my stocking this year was a package of the aforementioned Good & Plenty. Let me say this again: NEVER have I intentionally bought or consumed Good & Plenty.

What's worse is that this is the SECOND TIME he has bought this as a stocking stuffer. Apparently I used to get it “all the time” when we went to the movies. “Oh, you must be remembering some other girlfriend, because it wasn’t me.” I said. He was so offended I would say such a thing, but how else you could explain the confusion? He misremembered?

Here's a short list of what I would willingly purchase and consume:
milk chocolate---no peanuts, please, but I will accept chocolate involving peanut butter, cashews, almonds or hazelnuts
Twizzlers (NOT those horrid Red Vines, they are Not The Same)
Hot Tamales
Gummi Bears
Jolly Ranchers

Yes, I know, it is just candy but it stings a bit. As one of my friends said, this is what makes men and women are so different. A man would shrug it off and laugh. "What made you think I like these?" he'd say. She'd answer with something and that would be the end of the story. He might not even remember if she repeated the mistake the following year. A woman? She would would take this and run with it. “You don’t know me!” her mind would scream upon discovering a gift that in no way lines up with her tastes. She would make a mental note and file it away as ammunition for any future offenses. You see, it’s not about the candy; it’s about feeling like someone is not paying attention to what I like, and to someone with a sweet tooth like me, candy is a B.F.D.

***disclaimer***--I am not really that upset, I just had to get this out someplace. Thankfully it is just candy and not, say, a new household appliance or season tickets to the Redskins games or a bowling ball engraved with his initials.

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