A letter from the old me, interpreted by the older me

Last month I was lucky enough to have a small gathering of friends join me for lunch to celebrate my birthday. One of these friends was Trish, who was my closest friend at West Point. We didn't really connect until the summer of our yearling year when we departed the the granite walled barracks of garrison for two months of shelter in the long, metal-walled shacks nestled in the woods. The men had to live in open bays, but the women shared a small four bunk room with its own separate bathroom. Whenevr we had to get a platoon mate, we had to shout "FEMALE IN THE BAY" before entering the men's area. Needless to say, I hardly ventured into their area.

The summer I got to know Trish, and for the remaining time until graduation, she and I stayed close.

I miss letter writing in the way that we somehow shifted from fun stationery and assembling letters to being able to have full conversations by tapping onto our phone screens. The messages can stick around or be deleted based on your preferences, and rereading anything means either searching for a key phrase or scrolling as much as you can stand it. As much as I wrote letters, I didn't keep many of those notes that were written to me; at my birthday gathering, T left me with a greeting card I sent from my early days of the officer basic course at Fort Bliss, and a Christmas card I sent our firstie (senior year), in December 1996.

When I received the envelopes, I felt a sense of dread. I waited over a week to peek inside because I was afraid of the level of cringe (as the youths say) I would feel once I started reading. It was strange to read about events that had retreated to the corners of my mind, written in the same handwriting I have today. Instead of feeling cringe, I wound up feeling more compassion and care for that younger me. I'm going to share the first card here, the words from the old me (which is funnily enough, actually the young me) interpreted by me now, the older me.

Trish--WHAT UP DAWWWWG?! How's everything? I'm doing okay, just thought I'd give a little shout out, YOU KNOW

This was part of our mockery of the way the guys we knew would talk to each other, with certain words spoken loudly, with bass in the voice, for emphasis. Moving on--

Anyhow, my weekend is going pretty slow -- I guess I am just lonely.

Oh man! Poor young me.

I don't feel like calling (then boyfriend/now ex-husband), so that leaves me to me, myself and I!

Based on the date of the letter (August 17, 1997), I had not been dating my then boyfriend/now ex-husband very long, maybe one to two weeks tops. I must have been in the "play it cool and ignore him so he doesn't get tired of me" mindset. Or maybe I just didn't feel like dealing with him.

Yesterday was depressing to me for some reason. My roommate (name redacted) had an abortion. She told me a couple of days ago that she might be pregnant and that there were two possible fathers. I guess it just weirded me out.

I described being depressed "for some reason" and immediately followed that with a description of a pretty depressing situation.

I would have done the same thing she had, but I am still pretty disturbed about it.

I often joke that I was like Mayo from an Officer and a Gentleman, specifically that I had nowhere else to go. I say that with a full understanding that I'm being facetious. I could have gone home if I really needed to; I didn't want to. Getting pregnant and having to figure out which way my life would go as a 22 year old newly minted Army officer would have felt devastating. My roommate's situation made no sense to me. The military offers birth control. There are options. Looking back, I feel compassion for her, but while we were roommates, I felt impatient with her, I questioned her intelligence, and I judged her harshly. She had been commissioned through ROTC, she drove a giant white pickup truck that she couldn't park straight (see? Judgy!), and she had a pet turtle which she lost one day when letting it roam freely through our officer's quarters (she eventually found it; yes, it was still alive). I didn't understand how someone who was supposed to be trusted with soldiers' lives could be so careless with her own life. I felt sad about the way she moved through the world. Moving on--

So what did I do yesterday? I stayed in my room, played two movies on my new TV/VCR thing in my room (the movies? Zebrahead and Waiting to Exhale) and drank some Bacardi Select with Dr. Pepper.

Sounds like an introvert's party of one to me! Having my own TV with my own curated movie playlist and a mixed drink of one part favorite carbonated beverage and one part dark liquor? Peak Saturday night experience (insert chef's kiss here)!

I also finished off that pack of Newports (yes, that same old assed pack I bought in Highland Falls!) I took a shot too. I don't know what the hell was my problem. I guess I was just feeling down. I didn't drink very much. I can't drink how I used to, I guess. That's probably a good thing.

That escalated quickly. I went from peak personal entertainment with a nice li'l drinky-drink to smoking the remainder of a stale pack of Newports and taking a shot. I should have quit while I was ahead.

What else is going on? Well, we had a fake PT test on Friday and I did okay!! 44 pushups, 73 situps, 17:29 run. Not bad for no preparation. I can't believe how well I can run since I haven't attempted to since the PT test in February!! No joke. Supposedly with the elevation (4,000 ft) you're supposed to gain two minutes on the run, but I guess I adjusted.

Ah, youth, and the gross underappreciation of the fit, resilient body that comes with it.

Friday night I went to a club called Exodus (mainly black folk ☺) and there was a comedy show with three comedians. The last guy was who? GUESS! The guy from the Nutty Professor! WOMEN BE SHOPPIN'!! He didn't actually do that one, but it was him. (Then boyfriend now ex) pointed it out.

Here was my moment of shock while reading, because my excitement is seeing the WOMEN BE SHOPPIN'!! comedian who starred in the Nutty Professor with Eddie Murphy who is none other than DAVE CHAPPELLE! Points for me being excited about it, I guess.

Here's the funniest part of the night. I'm sitting there waiting for (then boyfriend/now ex) to bring our drinks and who rolls in but Q, A and second lieutenant F (remember him?). I smiled and waved and then (then boyfriend/now ex) talks to F for a minute. I asked (then boyfriend/now ex) what he said, he told me F said "Oh I didn't realize you had a date, we'll leave y'all alone." Hmmm. Thought so.

Here's some context: Said second lieutenant F was in my basic course. He quickly befriended the aforementioned Q and A, who were both West Point classmates. While interrogating me on my interests in men, second lieutenant F very confidently declared that he heard I "only dated white guys." Was it the "funniest part of the night?" Maybe it was at that time. How better to disprove the false information undoubtedly passed on to second lieutenant F from my classmates than being showing up to the club with my definitely not white date. It has a real, "Ha, I showed them!" feel to it. Why did I care so much about what they thought anyway? And now? I wish I could remember the jokes from Dave Chappelle's set.

Well, that's all with me so far. I guess I'm getting used to El Paso. It's okay, and I'll probably come back after I go to Korea. I decided so far that I'm not staying in. I know it seems early to tell, but I think five years will be enough of the Army for me (yeah, watch me make a 30 year career!)

Morgan Freeman's voice: "She did not make a 30 year career."

Well, let me know how you be. Talk to you soon, Love, Giselle.

And scene!