I spent too much of my life being unaware; I knew what coercion was, but did not have the vocabulary to name it. 20 year old me agreeing to give someone a blow job because I was in his hotel room without having booked a room of my own for the night? Coercion. 24 year old me changing my legal name because my husband sulked when presented with the possibility of me not changing it? Coercion. 45 year old me not refusing sex because I didn't want to deal with the fight when I was separated from my spouse but still living with him under the same roof? Coercion. I don't want my kids to learn that operating like this is necessary to survive in the world. I'm not sure the world will change enough to show them otherwise.
There is a Chinese proverb that states the best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago, and the next best time is now. I would have been much better off if I had changed my way of being earlier in life. I am in the process of rewiring myself to operate differently now. The more I operate in the new way vs. the old way, the easier it becomes. Some children will learn behavior that will not serve them when they become adults. When we are more concerned about not hurting the adults' feelings by way of forced hugs and labeling and speaking up as "disrespect," we are perpetuating harm.
Last year, while dining out for my younger kid's 13th birthday, she ordered tater tots. The restaurant made them in house, and the server delivered a small plate of deep fried rectangular cubes of shredded potatoes. Her dad tried one and admitted he didn't like it that much. When he asked her if he could have another one, she said no. "I'll remember that," he replied, his tone more stern and threatening than joking. I shared a look with her and her sister, and we stifled laughs in an attempt to prevent the dinner from becoming even more unpleasant. This was how we were used to operating, tiptoeing so their dad would not feel "disrespected." The name change sulking he had done over twenty years earlier had been a harbinger of things to come with the underlying message to shrink yourself and yield to what he wants so you don't hurt his feelings.
"I'll remember that" has become a running joke with both of my kids. We all know it represents the illusion of choice when saying "No" brings the hazard of negative consequences. When you're raised with having to decide between offerings that carry vastly different weights, you eventually learn that what you genuinely want doesn't matter; by default, the "safe" choice becomes what you want. We wring our hands over situations that are coerced and not consensual, but don't examine how prevalent unhealthy patterns can be and how often they are presented as normal, like the seemingly harmless request for a taste of something from someone else's plate.
Also not examined: the power imbalance. Why would a kid feel comfortable saying no when the same parent reminds them they provide the roof over their head, or that they are footing the bill for the aforementioned birthday dinner and tater tots? When someone is raised in this way what happens when they become a legal adult? Without the encouragement to cultivate their full agency, damaging situations are inevitable.
I've since returned to my former name. I am nearly half a decade removed from living under the same roof as my ex. I am decades older than my college-aged self who did not book her own hotel room. These were a few of the many lessons that have taught me to unlearn old patterns. If I can teach my kids to identify, value, and honor what they want for themselves by offering choices that are equally weighted without underlying threats, I will consider that one of my successes as a parent. If I can show them how to live with full agency instead of operating in survival mode, we can be part of the change we want to see in the world.
No comments:
Post a Comment