Night at the Fair

How do you know when you're getting old? When rides feel more like you're cheating some kind of "final destination" type death and less like fun. Yes, we went to the county fair. After perusing the livestock, and consuming ice cream we took our daughter on some of the rides. I tried not to eyeball the distance I was above the ground or think about what might happen if the ride dumped me onto said ground, and whether or not I would survive such a fall. I tried not to think about how often these rides undergo safety inspections. Really, I tried.

Then there is the fair food. I tried not to think about how sanitary some of the food booths were or the cow manure smell that kept wafting around while I attempted to enjoy a root beer float. For the main course, I kept it to a burger, a small Sprite (sans ice) and a few fries. Like I said, old.

Where the earth moves

Yesterday we had an earthquake. I thought it was a gust of wind, but then the house kept shaking. And kept shaking. Aaaand kept shaking. It reminded me of the '89 earthquake (yes, I am taking it back to the 9th grade).

I have felt four earthquakes in my life--2 in California and 2 here. Oddly enough there was one last year and the epicenter was a couple of miles from my house.

Even odder, for all of these quakes, I was in the master bedroom. There is a joke in there somewhere, but I am too slow/lazy/tired to make it.

Turn my headphones down (the unfriending of D.J. Fisticuffs)

I know I have talked about self-promotion before. I don't know why or how things have come to this--if you have completed something you then need to pimp it. The problem with this is the attention goes to the loudest people, not necessarily the best. And there is no way to know if it's good. You can't rely on a critic with similar taste. Instead, what you have is the person who created the work yelling and hollering at you that it's good, or at the very least, informing you that their product (music, books, lecture series, and so on) is coming out so you'd better get in on it.

I just unfriended someone for this. Honestly, I don't remember the guy, but I think we went to college together. Lately he has been talking about his music. It's on iTunes, It's this, its that. On his wall he is soliciting:

FaceBook Homies...I need help! Who is dope at graphic design! And I mean dope...like you know that shit like the back of your hand????
HIT ME ASAP PLEASE!

(As an aside...Homies? Dope? People still talk like this?)

The only reason this irks me is because I had a baby last week and among the congratulatory messages on my wall was one from this guy in an effort to make me aware that his music is out. If it has any of the language of that wall post requesting graphic artists, I probably won't be listening. It's back to the Wiggles and ABC's for a few years for me. But also, I just had a baby, idjit. Don't post that crap on my wall and then continue to post the same garbage on everyone else's wall, especially when it appears your friend request was just a way to garner a captive audience to your crap.

And also, when people pimp themselves like this, I tend to think the product is probably, well, not good. Post a sample or something. Let us take a listen before telling us to hurry to iTunes for a purchase (yes, I know you can sample on iTunes, but i don't even want to make that much of an effort). It's much easier to click "unfriend" and move on with my life.

"a medium to large size breed of domestic dog that originated in Rottweil, Germany"

Self publishing is getting big, and with eBooks it's becoming more affordable for people to get themselves out there and let the readers be the gatekeepers. But if you self-publish, please make sure you do your best to make sure what you're putting out there is actually good.

There is a graduate from my college who has published two "books." There are samples available on Barnes and Noble and you can buy it there or on Amazon. He also sends out messages through the graduate network when these books are released. I read the sample of the first book and was not inspired to buy. Out of morbid curiosity, I checked out the second book. In it was a scene where he described a neighbor with two big, tough dogs. He even named the breed. I had to read the breed name twice to make sure I wasn't seeing things. What kind of dog was it, you ask?

A "Rawtwhiler."

Read that. Sadly I am not kidding. And he used this spelling twice. Even on blogger there is a dashed red underline beneath that word, telling me something is not quite right. If you Google that word, the correct spelling will come up. If he used a word processor, I'm betting it would not have made it through spellcheck. This is basic stuff, no need for a fancy pants editor to catch it. He could have gotten someone to read it, or you know, run it through spellcheck.

Role reversal

I like having an almost 6 year old. It's fun. I love babies (don't you love that disclaimer? As if someone would admit to hating a baby?), but I think I'm a better parent to a potty trained kid who has grown to have a better understanding of the world. The fun part sometimes deals with language. She knows many words, but not all of the right ones to describe what she has in mind. It makes for interesting conversations.

Last weekend we saw "Captain America" in the theater. She said "Is that the guy with the shield?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Who was he reversing?"

After some explaining on her part, we figured out she was asking who was his nemesis.

Last weekend

Last weekend I met the son of my husband's parents' family friends. It was kind of a big deal because this couple sort of lived parallel lives with my in-laws. Both couples had two sons, and I know my husband's "counterpart" also was in the military (if you count the Air Force). I have heard about this family a lot over the years.

Anyway, last Saturday I finally met this alter ego and extended my hand for a shake only to be rebuffed with "Don't get too close! I don't want any more kids."

I backed off and said, "Oh-kay."

Who says this? It's not necessary or even remotely funny. If you think about it for too long, your head may hurt.

His wife saved the day with: "It's not contagious!"

The comeback came to mind two hours too late but I'll share it here. Ready?

"You know, there's a surgery for that."

So simple, yet so woefully late.The timely comeback is my main argument for time machines. I am queen of thinking up the ill-timed comeback and then not sharing it because it would look idiotic to say something when the moment has already been long forgotten. This is why I write. You have all the time you need to come up with witty dialogue and snappy comebacks.

I liked his wife right away. I got the feeling that he was outmatched. You know that feeling? When you think one half of the couple outshines the other? Here is another example--the wife said I looked "small." This is great to hear when 1) you know you are not small and 2) you are at the full term point of your pregnancy and 3) the person who is saying it is pretty petite herself. Even if she was not being honest, it was convincing.

The husband added: "Yeah! YOU were HUGE!"

Again, was that necessary?

Obviously the parallel life stuff did not account for personality. My husband does not say these things, EVEN IF I SAY IT ABOUT MYSELF and I actually am huge. Instead it's "Well (duh), you are carrying a child" and if the situation calls for it, a hug is thrown in. He knows better and likely will not say something like this because he knows I carried his kids, I put on the necessary weight to grow them and I did it for the better part of a year. But this other guy? That appreciation seemed totally lost on him.

Other things

I have a bunch of thoughts that can not justify their own blog posts, but collectively I could cobble something together. I can not promise it will be interesting.

Twitter: I have an account. I don't do much with it and have not checked it in weeks. So many have ditched Facebook for Twitter and I guess I'm just not catching on. And I have also received a Google+ invitation. I don't even know what that is (and have not Googled--heh, heh--to investigate the details). I can not keep up.

Office microwave etiquette: My husband heated fish in his office microwave and told me it stunk up the place. What did he expect? After 8 years on the road as a sales rep, he does not know certain unspoken rules of the office. The big one is not to heat fish in the microwave. And not a rule, but more of a law of nature: If you pop popcorn, in the office microwave it will burn.

Words with friends vs. Scrabble on iPhone. Sure, they look the same and operate on the same concepts, but I am good at Words with Friends and I suck at Scrabble.

In the past two weeks I have removed a sizable hair clog from the guest tub and two from two sinks. It's not an exercise for the weak-stomached. Drano has nothing on my hair, so I try to pull out what I can before resorting to chemicals. I had to finish off the second sink with the tiny sink plunger, but it drains now. I keep thinking if I had short hair, this wouldn't keep happening.